I was waiting for a change.
After more than 20 years of homeschooling, devoting what seemed like every waking moment to my children, now they were in college — and I was forced into “retirement.” I painfully and personally discovered that apron strings bleed when they are cut. As a victim of the empty nest syndrome, I found myself lacking in purpose and in passion.
Change was imminent.
“Lord,” I prayed, “I just want to do Your will. Show me, Father, what You have for me.” My prayer was sincere. The tight economy destroyed any rationale I had for being a stay-at-home wife. Prior to having children, I’d been a fast-track television executive, but after being out of the workplace for over two decades, I struggled with the idea of applying for jobs that would be better suited for someone half my age.
“Surely, you have something for me to do, Lord,” I prayed. “I just want Your will in my life.”
I polished my résumé, read the want ads, attended job fairs, and pursued every worthwhile lead. Nothing happened. My stress was compounded by the fact that my self-employed husband was also out of work. I convinced myself that the situation would change soon. I was wrong.
As weeks turned into months, my faith waned. I became strangely jealous of my children. “Lord,” I cried, “You’ve blessed my kids, and I thank you for that. But what about me? When are you going to change things for me?”
Heaven was silent. What I did not realize was God was not trying to change things. He was trying to change me.
Over those months as I waited for the Lord to reveal His will to me, I tried to figure out what He wanted me to do. I read books about discerning God’s will and searched the scriptures for verses that promoted the virtues of patience:
“I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry … he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.” Psalm 40:1-2 (NIV)
I knew God had something for me, but what was it?
The more I waited for God’s will, the more weary I became.
Like so many things, waiting is not what it seems. Waiting appears to be a low-energy activity, but in reality it is exceptionally draining. Exhaustion is inevitable when we wait—whether it’s for a baby to be born, a person to get well, a book to be finished, or a circumstance to change. We tire of waiting for an event.
One morning, somewhere between the coffee and the want ads, I began to ponder the objects of my undivided attention. I was waiting for God’s will for my life, God’s will for my job, and God’s will for my future. That’s all I wanted — God’s will.
That was the problem. Instead of seeking God through a deeper, more intimate relationship, I was only concerned with me. Isaiah 40:31 came to mind:
“But those who wait on the LORD shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.” (NKJV)
Waiting for the moment is exhausting, but waiting for the Lord is exhilarating. All this time, I was waiting for a change in my circumstance. God was waiting for a change in me. It wasn’t what God had for me; it was who — Himself. Certainly, the Lord can use situations to change us and prepare us, but it is our living, breathing relationship with Him that transforms us. Knowing Him, not just His will, is life-changing. He is worth the wait.
Copyright © 2018 Glenda Durano. Used with permission.